SS 13 Ingested at 22.40. more at 2340, full effects after 0.00.
Threshold experience, a certain fear concerning the judgement of the world, idea that perhaps there is no escape from them. Managed to resist this, partly by the reflection that even by the judgement of the world my case is not as bad as all that.
I thought of smiling Mary who gave me the things. Myself as a wreck.
Then I put the diaries away and closed my eyes. The psychedelic light began to play, with peacocks turning to fan vaults, rose widows. I followed the light for a long time. Mosaic floors, much abstraction, indescribable architectural fantasies, including some circular construction.
Then Muslim fan vaults. I had the feeling of something lacking in Muslim architecture, that it lacked focus. Mediaeval Europe, I felt, understood this light and how to coagulate it. their childlike delight in beautiful craftsmanship.

Enjoying a trip, one of the more important things in life. What they call religious experience, meditation. this kind of experience potentially one of the best things in life,
I saw a knight in armour on horseback with splendid ornamental flourishes,. The spirit of the crusades. Mediaeval Catholicism as sheerest paganism, a psychological technique as it were, organising art and making you feel good. The men of the Teutonic aristocracy, they wanted to create something together. Christianity was just something to make them feel good. The assurance of salvation. A system for the coagulation of the light, with the assurance that all will be well. With this discovery I decide to go to bed, feeling it must be the climax of the trip. In fact I became quite elated with it and became conscious of danger.
Change subject. A certain focusing on crucifixions, mediaeval ones, Limoges and Mosan enamels for example. Then the whole idea of Christ as somewhere to cast all your pain and fear, a kind of spiritual toilet. I could face my discovery calmly, and found it sound.. but I was lead to deeper reflections on the meaning of Christianity itself. St Paul. A most ingenious idea. The cross of course is the noose, it is the symbol of the world’s judgment in its worst most depressing form. Etc etc
AC 251& Second part of an astonishingly objective Everyman programme on lsd. Good to see someone like Ken Kesey, now working as a farmer. Acid. The magic of the times, Emotions. Millenarianism, how much of the emotion was the sprit of the times? I tend to believe in drugs and despise zeitgeist. On the programme they said how totally unfashionable it would be to suggest there might be anything good in lsd, that is no doubt true. But what is this fashion? And where does it leave me? People who despise and dismiss acid I would tend to see as somehow inadequate. A radically unenlightened human being, one with so much to learn. Even insufficiently sexual.
Rosie Boycott, founder of Spare Rib, says acid was not for the “doers” But who were the “doers” but shallow idiots?
Psychedelic hierarchism. Attitude of reverence towards an esoteric wisdom. Antithesis of materialism and democratic socialist equality.
That acid programme. Key to my ineffectiveness and potential effectiveness.
Much of my inspiration derives from the religious experiences of my acid trips. People criticised acid heads for despising consumer society while being dependent on its benefits. But why not? Why should the only revolution be an economic one?
Better change your mind instead, sang the Beatles.
AF 36& Record of trip. It was strong, Instructive. I went through a period of strong anxiety, but came through at the end to the plateau (Monte Alban). It is true that every trip is different. The new discoveries you get with one, you are tempted to interpret as having universal validity. Phase of trip. The initial phase, build up, where feelings may be felt with a fresh intensity. Extra concentration. Then I went to bed. I thought about various women. Denise, Kelley, Andrea (not so much) Cathy.
Cathy came out of it very well. One was looking or a brain scrub.
Of late I have been getting too much into frustration and personal arrogance. It was necessary to break a lot of this down. To break down some of the barriers of the personality. I thought of Munro.’s hole which was squalid. Of travel, Zippolite, Monte Alban. Lake Flores. Of Blenheim. Then came the point of anxiety when it could go either way. I thought of Mandy. My resentment at her guruhood in my stupid pride.
With experience you can control it, she said.
Keep the bad thoughts away, thinning about good things.. but one wants the right good things, one looks for something that will save. At this stage there is form of purging of guilt. There is a type of judgement an repentance. All your attitudes you place in the fire, to be burned, purged out.
In this form of saving, your egoism offered up in sacrifice. You see the point of free love, but I do not believe in free love, it goes too far.
I could see the point of Pili an her ideas, it is a serious mistake to call her stupid. More non ego obsessed sexual interaction between men and women must be healthy and good. We should relax some of our taboos and hang-ups,
So Pili and Cathy emerged as the main sources of consolation this trip, Cathy because she liked me so evidently, and Pili because of her philosophy, which is kind of religion.
It is connected with the mystical consciousness. I would say I believe in her and that she does good. Lying in bed, body consciousness.
Having passed through the threshold with the aid of these thoughts, I found myself on what Terry calls “the plateau after a while danger recedes, or appears to do so.
I looked back on my earliest acid trips and felt I had a closer access to understanding them than I have had for a very long time.
The hallucinatory material was around me. I was not going to try to follow it into the ecstatic lyrical ascent I used to in the past.
Remember myself then. Love. I had love, first fresh love of youth. Hardly even conscious of it I took it so much for granted that I could go on an ecstatic romp through the cosmos, the multiverse or whatever we call it. Pure triumphalism with no motive but delight, follow it and see where it leads to what supreme triumphs,
That was good, as good as anything in the history of the world.
Now of course I am different. I have a different woman and a ten year old child. That is also good but the same feeling cannot be expected.
One of my friends is dying. The remarkable sensitivity of the threshold phase, where the spirit is less free has to submit to the yoke, tame its pride and arrogance.
Passed through, one may be free, proud, antinomian.. Come to a different view of Munro’s hole. Rediscover your own ideas.
Aspects of tripping, certain delicacies of sensation.
One thinks hard. Thinking may be quite intense. One takes pride in the idea of oneself as skilful psychedelic voyager.
Psychedelics is like magic, one is an experienced magician. There is joy in this in the thought itself.
One is there and one has psychedelic or mystical understanding. One thinks back to 67. Play tracks from Sergeant Pepper over and over in my head.
Larkin got the Beatles wrong. This was not mere romanticism.
Wise and serene, rejoicing this great work.
Before the crossing of the threshold. Vision of the blackamoor. Experience of myself as the blackamoor. A black savage, bare arsed, standing somewhere in Africa looking north. Not one of the slave blacks Mick identifies with. A royal, a chief. But still the blackamoor.
In the passages of expiation blood poured from my severed head.
Pili as Spanish. Spanish Catholicism. The Inquisition, the triumphalism.
Christianity insofar as it is a religion of the threshold, counselling humility as a prerequisite for certain experience.
Sense of control, of a great analytical control. A feeling of oneness with a great many people, even a whole generation.
Mystical insight, subjectively the quality of a very clear idea. Like an intellectual idea.
Slight change of subject.
Think of the huge hairy American with his guitar, pig ignorant hick with nothing but his folk songs, his confident life affirmation.
Why should we feel obliged to approve or admire such a person, such a consciousness? As if there was wisdom being it all, rather than its opposite. Yet was not such a character seemingly part of the great sixties cultural revolution?
“Yeah!” he says, scarcely anything between his ears. Good vibes.
The hallucinatory material in its beauty, its form its colour. Not going along with it.. the psychedelic anarchism. The importance of memory. If the mystical state is remembered properly…
the psychedelic trance, it may appear to justify all. Lsd used by Argentinean torturers for the fascist regime.

AM 219 Upon what terms? Any mass culture, it seems to me, is something that needs to be escaped. Sometimes a whole generation is benighted, like those into destructive repressive fanaticism.

IX 60& Next we have those whose consciousness has gone beyond game,
gone beyond direct sensory awareness, gone beyond cellular flow and
contacted the molecular and elemental energies that crackle and vibrate
within the cellular structure. Those who have taken large doses of LSD,
mescaline, DMT, and experienced what the eastern psychologists call
the "white light," the "void," the "inner light." (Leary)

When the yogi attains final discrimination, renounces even that , he attains the condition called "Rain Cloud of Divinity". Mind without impurity and impediment attains infinite knowledge, what is worth knowing in this world becomes negligible. The dissolution of Qualities in their source, when nothing remains to be achieved, is liberation; the revelation of the power of Self, the foundation of the beauty of Self. (Patanjali aphorism book iv AT 318 Of all severe ideals of health, the acid test. This religious challenge. Leary’s test. this standard of weakness one is offered. The challenge of the life, and its problems. There are solutions.
McLuhan and his idea that modern art has brought primitive religion to modern man.
56 The plain idiocy of the laws against acid. Supposedly well meaning democratic idiots pass laws severely curtailing the possibilities of life. Many of our young people beautify their lives by periodic escape from this mundane limited existence. Penetrating to the world beyond the heavens, they draw on a richness which all men would want if all could have.. democratic tyranny. The whole principle of repression is misconceived; however free the democratic state to begin with, it will attempt to impose its moral norms on any radically new development which has not been foreseen. Democratic hypocrisies.

142 Forms of religion, the immanent and the transcendent, or the transfigured understanding of our daily life versus the romantic urge for everything. The secret of immanence, perhaps that of a special sort of superiority. Acid liberation, suppose it really is a means of liberation, simply cutting down those social and moral conditionings which make us accept less happiness than could be our lot. Social conditioning makes us think of ourselves as inferior, fills us with moral lies.

A 19 Acid is not the great revealers of final truth. Sometimes it is an over simplifier, and so to weakness. there are ways which are hard, and acid rejects those ways, so often slipping into a form of Christian hippy degeneracy. To associate acid with Satan is a decadent thrill, I can find great value in it. As soon as it become God it is vile.

21 Worship at the acid oracle, another form of Catholicism. The religious vehicle of energies becomes an oppressive tyranny the moment it seeks to determine will rather than to fulfil it. Very beautiful and appealing but only when we are free to accept or reject it. The world of lit-up-ness, the trip you can’t come down from when there are so many other things that could be done. Dead, gaudy forms.

60 “The basic character of the universe is confusion”, said Thransippus. When I try to characterise the universe on an acid trip of the bad variety, this is the kind of statement I feel inclined to make But confusion means anything, which means impotence, which means slavery which means despair.

65 Much has been written about synaesthesia under LSD. Learn from acid experience the significance of the middle ages. The spiritual world it set up with its devils and saints were in one sense representations of the bad and the good sides of possible hallucinatory experience. The methodological discipline imposed by the Roman Catholic religion is something we can dispense with in coming to appreciate it and respond to it. But we have to balance it by also responding to other religions, not a s Jung put it alien oriental palaces to which we have no right of access. Such a statement of his is mere dogmatic prejudice. “We are surely the rightful heirs of Christian (Hebrew, Greek, and Gnostic) symbolism, but somehow we have squandered this heritage. We have let the house our fathers built fall into decay, and now we try to break into Oriental palaces that our fathers never knew.” (The Archetypes of the Unconscious)

The middle ages explored a rich world of possible hallucinatory experience but this does not mean we fall victim to its ideology if we are to appreciate its achievement. We can, if it has to be that way, be heretics. Let us be several different kinds of heretic. The middle ages was rich in unorthodoxies which nevertheless did not deny its demonologies, angelologies and so much other highly aesthetic paraphernalia.

93 Tthink of a good acid trip. One feels in control, though one is in a sense bound by the effects of the drug, one has to live through it. Much has been written about synaesthesia under lsd. Perhaps we should extend the concept a bit. The senses are thought of as the widows on the world, the direct sources of all our experience. Ultimately they are, but there are many objects of experience which are not perceived thought the senses, but through e.g. the intellect or the emotions. Under psychedelic drugs many of these objects such as love, freedom, religion, a human relationship a political idea, most particularly a mystical doctrine, may be felt directly through the senses. Allegories like the Pilgrim’s Progress may be experienced as literally rather than symbolically true.

rr 112 When taking interesting drugs I do not like to watch tv. I suppose I could let myself be taken over by it, but I would not want to be taken over by Brideshead Revisited. I despise that frivolity. I cannot help doing so . and as for the Catholicism…

QQ 4 The ecstasies of Christian mysticism do not justify Christian doctrine. Any doctrine might serve a mystic, if he could expand it enough to incorporate bizarre paradoxes. And what religion contains more bizarre paradoxes than Christianity?. Perhaps Dali is right, perhaps much of its spirit is surrealist… but the surrealist interpretation is a vision, if you like a theme played upon all kinds of normally unacceptable material, sickening sentimentality, gross scientific ignorance etc etc. Ultraparadoxicality can make this mishmash somehow seem acceptable, just as Aldous Huxley says the world, for all its suffering, seems fundamentally good, and acceptable to the psychedelic visionary.. Too much in Huxley of a mishmash of bits of psychology, mysticism etc. His philosophy is eclectic. He treats things as revealed which are not necessarily revealed at all. The theory makes a lot of difference to the data. In dealing with material like visionary mystical or religious experience we need to have some basic structure with which to interpret it.. How could we be both scientific and creative? The path of Huxley and Leary leads from eclecticism to arbitrary dogmatism. It ends up a restrictive and oppressive

23& Zaehner. Worth reading if only to hear a theistic opponent of the wisdom of India. He does have a position, which is an interesting one, and he does try to argue it. Ultimately unconvincing, but does make us re-examine some tired old habits of thought.
After the trip, some kind of record is called for. At first enjoyment of some vegetative visual imagery, exotic fruits, palm tress etc. different from what was expected, but then it had to be. The only way back again is through a different entrance.
Going out to get the fish and chips, onset of the fiendish horror, but I managed to walk though with surprisingly little difficulty.
Before that however perceive my old self as an asura. My triumpalistic psychedelic record, Always claiming to know too much.
After the fish shop some self contemplation. I thought of things I have done recently. Knebworth house, which appears to have left worthwhile, even quite beautiful memory traces, and far more importantly my cave in Norway. Perceive myself up there amid the greenery, walking naked in the sunlight by the waterfall, and I felt a kind of acute sadness that this figure had no mate with him. A powerful image that. The intoxicating beauty of the midnight light on the trees and the moss.
I saw myself as if in a mirror. I saw that there is too much ego in my activities and that was saddening. I saw myself as a preta. I saw something of the error of my ways. the self image that I build up and try to project. The drug breaks all that or at least all clinging to that. If all you are concerned with is your self image, this could be distressing.
Before I was triumphalistic, justified, even in boasting. But nothing was fixed, defined by that. After I had realised something about myself the trip was over and I began to come down.
The first Sammy one, the Oxford one, the second Earls Court one, the Kilburn one the Yugoslavia one, the Istanbul one, the Morocco one, Minor ones like the Prince of Teck one, the Ankara one, the first bad one.
Then the mescaline one. then the dope realisations (one distinct). The first Bina Gardens one, the second Bina Gardens one, the Culford bad one.
Then the Lady Esquire one and the overeat dope cookies one.
Then this one.
All the confusion we referable to a fault in myself.

57& …My mood of frustration, my pissed off mood. I experienced my irritation and frustration with an eye of detachment. It was actually possible to enjoy it as one might a good dramatic or literary presentation of such a mood. I remembered that day of acute consciousness on the beach at Sheerness. I considered what was my sense of life’s possibilities. Then looking back to then, although each of the women on the beach in reality signified a whole world of opportunity. I did not see it then. I thought of my isolation, my sense of gloomy superiority. Life then seemed not so much a matter of opportunities to be grasped as of traps to be avoided with much difficulty,
then I found myself telling a story about a boy who was in the depths of misery but it didn’t matter. The I pulled myself short The boy was it me? Well it didn’t have to be like that…. Etc etc

60 Another point about the trip. Love seemed irrelevant; it was different emotions that I was exploring. Why I have no time for the teachings of Don Juan. Is that they are metaphysical yet insufficiently philosophical.

OO 2 Another aspect of the golden age was good trips and the religious doctrine that went with them. the final movement of successful Learyism, Zen, the complete integration of acid into ordinary pleasures. The feeling that the bad trip must be completely wrong, like mental illness. Beulah. That golden age myth was all wrong. It is like a vision of a finality. life has to offer other drugs, other experiences.

19 My ego, my personality, is a pure myth, it does not exist. The extreme terror of acid, the constructed solipsistic systems, the error is all in conceiving that I as such exist, that the universe could be against me as if I contain all subjectivity, within my personality whereas really I am being granted access to the vast ocean of all subjectivity. I am all in all. It is a mistake to think that as if my very limited time body system contained all reality. Even my desires, my triumphings, they are permissible, they may be done, all instincts may be satisfied ultimately even, in the world beyond reason, all perverse desires,
The Psychedelic Experience (Leary) is a religious book. It is a work of theology, if you like, and a guide to mystical states. For this reason I would say that it is commendable it is an attempt at something very necessary, but it is not as good as the Book of the Law. Also it is dangerous and unintentionally restrictive. it induces guilt by suggesting that some of my desires are wrong. Its conception of the clear light is sheer Zen and it sets up a hierarchy of experience which is just like a Catholic church of lsd. It classifies, imposes values basically arbitrary judgements which are irksome when they do not accord with what are my own basic beliefs. They become an additional restraint

60 The terror, the frighteners begin to take hold. “are my thoughts, my ideas, good enough to keep them at bay?” For there lurks in my mind traces of a horrible superstition, that there really does exist the most horrifying ultimate situation unlocked by the formula a.c.i.d. Something that has to be kept down, revisited. Taken in by the truth
Dave Hitchcock who had a certain degree of wisdom said that you’ve got to go through a certain amount of suffering in life and that you might as well go through it on acid.

65 The blasphemous inversion of the tetragrammaton ihvh is the false tetragrammaton acid. Daemon est deus inversusu insists Dave Hitchcock.

KK 17 the old acid fear of scorning another person’s trip. Fear not. It is all a questing of taste. A tasteful trip is favoured of the gods, the tasteless Hindu masses may be acceptable in their sight but only providing they kept to their place. God of bad taste. Defensor Vermiculorum.
JJ 96 Perhaps after the full experience of psychedelic ecstasy one needs to move on, rather as the Madhyamika moved on. No longer is one in search of precisely the same antinomian experience. Perhaps even the way on is through the bad. One is not after some kind of static ecstasy. Nor at the mental discipline and desire slaying of the Buddhists, even though the patterns of Buddhism may be what are revealed.

The antinomianism comes from the release of the tensions we have all felt living in our culture. With its flood of images and moral restrictions.
Perhaps it was a serious error to desire the ecstasy. Perhaps really the ecstasy is a mere accompaniment of what is desired. The desire, the will, must continue to advance. The nature of the significant must changes; is it still to be driven by the release of an overwhelming tension?
…as the final pieces of the jigsaw. That creates the final terrifying situation.
The situation itself is experienced as an ordeal, something I have to sweat out, with heartbeats, careful attention to anything new, it being the banal over familiar and the trite which make the worst triggers. Concentrate of doing small things horrifying as they may be.
I need a friend to talk me down, when on one is available I need some idea of a god. I dislike Leary’s idea of a guide, I thing friend is a far better idea, does away with all the hierarchical crap he is obsessed with.
Such a friend could be imagined as a god, perhaps Hermes is a good one. Jesus is essentially my enemy; he will not accept me for what I am, only as sinner. Buddha too claims to be wiser than I. There should be no question of s superiority or inferiority, a la Leary, only of concern to alleviate immediate suffering.
Hermes guide of souls.
I fear the ordeal because I half really believe in it, I am not fully convinced of its imaginary nature. but it is imaginary; it is stupid to fear it. It presents itself as the most fearsome thing, but in fact it is not. What I fear is in fact nothing to fear.

79 In my poetry was desire and the problems concerned with my mystic quest. no emotions apart form sensuous and mystical excitement or fear. It was if I could afford detachment of a sort, I reacted to things almost in a mystical way, to reality as a whole, the only thing that was not to be enjoyed was inescapable fear, everything else could be synthesised or filtered out.
Wittgenstein and the Madhyamika. Salvation is not to be obtained by prolonging or making permanent some particular mood we pass through, but comes from and understating of the ordinary.

214 Last night got drunk with Graham and had a strong joint. This set me off onto a bad trip, which recurred this morning’s took the form of judgement directed against myself. I felt that everything in me depended on my ideas. and all my ideas were laid open to doubt, rendering me worthless and an object of odium. I felt I must record it in fulfilment of a promise I made to myself suffering.
I had to have ideas to render me of an account at all; doubt and there as nothing left to me.
I suppose I am leading up to the stage of “reality is split” that of diabolic jigsaw, where certain of the most ordinary everyday functions and things of life, smoking a fag, having a piss, making tea, drinking a glass of water, turning of the radio, looking at my diary, the cat, Gerda, the light., become terrifying in themselves
They seem to fit together.

BB 85 Parsifal the pure fool. Acid insouciance. Nick, five years younger than I who took acid at this boarding school. They sent him to a psychoanalyst. Yet what to them looks like mental illness is in reality the normal rational result of undergoing an utterly amazing experience. The farts who administer the system have no comprehension of he amzingness of (for good or bad) of world and virtually lost all respect for the very possibility of being amazed. This is one of the tragedies of the modern world, egalitarianism and a lack of respect for tradition and for any higher wisdom, spiritual arrogance of those in any position of authority, parasitism, doltishness. So to the child his parents and teachers are fools. Lsd gives self confidence, counteracts the instinctual repression which the system strives to inculcate.

B 16-17 The condition of success on a trip is that I feel original and differentiated from some of the other little creeps who take it. To feel one is part of a Catholic church of LSD is really off-putting. The brotherhood of man is a bad concept. Originality. Plato tells us how to escape form conceptual webs which ensnare us. J 86 Took some organic mescalin. Everything I do is so to speak decorated, infused with strange little high little mescaliny devices. I suppose I ought to keep some kind of a record. I was wondering what kind of a trip it would be. Lautreamont kept coming to mind. and I went off into a strangeness that I have never seen touched on in print.
Then for a while I listened to the nadas or mystic sounds, a new style of highly complex music played to a dance of mescalin light patterns( the same basic nature as acid patterns.)
New art forms, palaces, cathedrals, utilising some pop for, a totally new style.
The danger of mediocrity and childish banality such as A seemed eager to bring into play.

112& The idea of absurdity ceases to matter. It was means of crossing the threshold. Once across the threshold one is high and what is high comes as a revelations from the unconscious. Often they are absurd things transfigured, Hitler and the Nazis, Salvador Dali, Crowley’s magick. Free and fecund was the mind. In being high lay meaning and satisfaction and the higher the better. Then I heard about the highest of all from timothy Leary, and it came to me like an act of grace. All meaning, all ideals all aspirations all pleasure all in one and more and nothing.
One word that came to my mind was ipsissimus which I understood as the most exalted magical grade (though I later find that beyond it is 0∴0) of all.
This is not say that I continue to treat it with any kind of reverence. I could experience something corresponding to it again, necessarily (but not absolutely necessarily) from a different direction, and what I should think about it after I had got there, I cannot say. I might reject my previous vision as incomplete or not he same. The important thing is not what it was but how I regarded it.

Then came the bad trips. Previous to that, being high was the important thing, letting the mind roam at will (not the same as mind wandering) through an ever intensifying ocean of perfect meaningfulness. Afterwards it was impossible to experience the sort of satisfaction I experienced of old; for one thing there was a tendency for the great white light to usurp the status of the truly satisfying experience.. without it nothing cohered properly and I could not be anything, and yet the effort to achieve it put me in the greatest possible danger.
I moved beyond Calvinism to the conception of heaven and hell poker.
Lsd, the attempt to attain a spiritual experience of a less exalted kind failed because any degree of meaningful satisfaction I experienced had a damnable tendency to turn into its opposite number on the side of cosmic panic. I refused to admit to myself fully the stases of semi-despair I was really in. I could only exist on an incomplete level. I had to learn to restrain my ambitions,, to bring my conscious mind into far more use in the spiritual sphere than previously, to map out the limitations of things, to renounce the demand for instant perfection, at least in the sense in which I had previously held it, to find pleasure in things in a more measured and less excitable fashion. To analyse I had to avoid the importunities of a necessary damnation by disentangling the ideas I valued from those which were dangerous to me, to devise a philosophy which enabled me to think what I wanted to think rather than what I was compelled to think.
TT 1 Acid as an intense stimulation of the experience of the beautiful. Pushed to a sufficient extreme, the beautiful becomes the religious and the mystical. In a plot of life, one is to consider not simply the attainment of satisfaction, but also the enjoyment of the beautiful, particularly the enjoyment of the beauty generated by your own efforts to achieve satisfaction.

83 Liberty caps in Kew gardens. I was not much aware of a lot of which one would normally be aware, where I had immediately come from where I was immediately going.. but very pleasant.

169 Fanaticism and dogmatism. In trying to open people’s eyes one is trying to gain dominance over them. The experience of wonderfulness, to wonder, of supreme enlightenment. It is not so much the object that is significance as the stimulation of the emotion A certain amount of reification, of belief in objectivity. Yet any belief would be as bad, any belief at all. I suppose there is kind of metaphysical error. What for example is the great white light? Surely the reaction to it was an emotional reaction? Terry says he experiences it every trip, but it can hardly be the same thing because the emotion surrounding it is different.
Straight people would say that it is but fantasy. Indeed, but it was also reality. The mistake lay in seeing it as part of the universal structure of consciousness. It was a trip, not the universal supreme trip.
Could not call it a form of megalomania? It was an escape from vegetative life. Commonly there is this failure of communication, concerning essentially private experiences. However there is a prejudice in favour of Madhyamika or Dionysian superessences. How can we say there is anything superior to this?. What I obtained from supreme enlightenment was precisely what I sought. No mere merging into the universal mind but a condition of utterly and absolutely beyond. Yet what in fact made it but the emotions surrounding associated with it?
The beyond words, may be primal source but essential to it are it absolute and total amazingness, its utterly extraordinary rarity, its quality of absolute penetration of the mystery of the universe but even more than that its resolution of the diversity of the ordinary psychedelic experience in which the world it understood i.e. the cosmic riddle solved, into a yet higher beyond unity in which the reason for that diversity is understood.
Yet what is the enlightenment that is brought?
It is a feeling of enlightenment, and emotion; you have-not passed beyond emotion.
Satisfaction of desire for enlightenment. But how much from a mistaken reverence for this so called enlightenment? As if having once felt it, it henceforth has a compulsive hold over you as if in normal life you’ll the time ignorant and imperfect.
GWL there are enlightenments and enlightenments so many different kinds of enlightenment and forms it can take. The impulse towards GWL was partly a discontent with such diversity. One would not be content with a form of enlightenment that felt at one with all other forms of enlightenment; one is not content to stop there where other people may be quite content to stop. One strives for a higher uniqueness.

176 Emotional flatness trip.

I 37 Last night I gave acid trips to X, Y and Z. Z became a flower child. It was very interesting being X’s guide. My aspect was not unconditionally benevolent. I found I was prepared to have turned against her had she taken a direction I strongly disliked. Z was on a delicately purity trip, that is not to say she rejected much in favour of the world of childlike innocence inhabited by flower children, the Time Machine creatures (Eloi) and others tending towards the Learyite.
I must learn from the mistakes of Leary. It is not that I am on a power trip. I want to understand the principles on which people operate. I want to be able to talk to people or respond to them on all levels one might consider as charged with deep significance. Does that mean I must avoid too much sincerity? It means I must remain fairly close to the wellsprings of my philosophy, I must avoid the contamination of what Nietzsche called moralic acid. I must be prepared to give way to occasional outbursts of violent hatred, that break the spell.
While I would not adopt the motto better the reign in hell than serve in heaven. I am quite prepared to give highest assent to the maxim I will not serve. My refusal to serve in Heaven would be unconditional. and absolute. At one point I took on the form of Satan to X. At another my nose took on hawk like appearance,. Then I appeared to have four hands (Shiva perhaps?) she saw Rasputin, silver snakes crawling over the food chest, her skin, and even inside her. She wept at the thought that her father hated her, seemed to recover when she said that she hated him too. She screamed at her reflection in the mirror, kept walking back to it for another look, another scream.

Etc etc

96 Frightful acid trip looking after Dionysus perhaps it will help to keep me on my toes, although my first impression of it is that it is stupid, inane, useless nonsense and that it was completely ridiculous of me to fall for it, especially when I am doing well. Perhaps it is to be interpreted as a kick up the arse, a warning against complacency of most unpleasant nature. I feel that I gain know nothing, I can’t think of anything I could read with pleasure, though I want to read. I am not interested in any so called answers to my predicament.

And what a blow to my guru image if I can’t even control a little acid trip! Perhaps that’s all part of the warning to smarten myself up, get down to business, not to rest on my laurels, but I am getting a little sick of these harsh warnings, to put it mildly.

F 23 What did I mean when I said Reich was trying to trip us out on orgasms? That he wished to provide us with a mythology within which all the best and most transcendent human experience was covered, to provide us with a framework within which such extreme transcendent ecstatic energies can find satisfaction, and also stimulate the outflow of such experiences.
It is often assumed that whatever is inspired by good lsd experiences is good and to be favoured.. thus Jesus is rehabilitated on John Allegro’s thesis that early Christianity was based on the cult of a hallucinogenic mushroom. In acid all may enjoy themselves in having their highest selves satisfied does not mean that I automatically sympathise with them. Acid may mean unanimities free flow of energy, but not everyone who enjoys this is necessarily a friend of my freedom or enjoyment.

44 Alan and Nigel had mescalin trips which didn’t turn our too pleasantly.. Nigel is now very depressed.
From The Tibetan Book of the Dead comes the idea that the essential goodness or badness of a trip is determinedly one’s karma before taking the trip and that efforts during the trip to make it good are irrelevant. To whether it will be so. But may appear as if such efforts have a bearing. Here we are faced with something very like the Christian problem of reconciling freewill and predestination and contemplation of it may help to understand something like mystical answers to the religious dispute.

Allen Ginsberg, Leary and others offer explanations of the causes of a bad trip and what amounts to instructions for their avoidance. My own objections to such schemes spring partly from the fact that they seem to require faith, to be equivalent to a dogmatic theology in which one is expected to trust.. as such I call them Jehovian. It might be said they are just offering help. I thing there is more danger in them than this, that they proffer a metaphysics and a cosmology within the framework of which we are expected to find relief and shelter. Trust in God and all fear ceases. I want to trust in nothing but myself created methodology and not to be bound absolutely even by that.

E 72 Sammy had an acid trip with Alan I suppose I felt envious, suffering from acid fears as I do and being incapable of enjoying psychedelic experience. So as soon as Sammy began to get stroppy I roundly abused her as she richly deserved and set her into a state of hysterical lachrymose screaming fits.

Apparently Alan’s trip contained an unfortunate repetition of the patterns of his last bad one, the rebirth myth. This time however the acid was weak enough for him eventually to be able to suppress it.

Within the universe there is, as it were, one tiny hole through which everyone has to pass. Passing through the hole is concomitant with dying and being reborn. In doing this one has to pass through a membrane, and in so doing one places oneself in a position of complete vulnerability and openness to ridicule. If one successfully passes thought he membrane, as Dionysus is recently considered to have done, one is sane, but if one does not manage to pass through properly one carries part of one’s old existence though one has not properly escaped, and is mad, as he considers Z to be. Y is terrified of having to pass through the membrane.

It is interesting how different people have different bad trips which recur with them.
Sammy felt such sympathy for Alan that she forgot her own trip.. Alan was surprised at Sammy’s sympathetic understanding, Sammy says he should try to stop thinking about it. But is that the answer? there is obviously a basic problem engaging the whole mind on a very profound level and which has to be faced. Or is there?

Is a bad trip the first of a series, to be considered an arbitrary phenomenon, but so powerful in its effect that it lays out a pattern in the mind which determines the nature of future experience? This is the pavolvian approach.

If this is the interpretation we are to use then the best way to overcome the pattern is to forget about it, and form new ones
Or is the series to be considered as a spiritual problem which has to be solved by being directly faced?
Alan should thus have endeavoured to go through with his rebirth experience and face it with the requisite courage.
The nearest analogue to my experience is the demon Chronzon which has to be refuted.
R D Laing versus the behaviourists.
I shall have to face and dialectically refute it. That seems formidable, immense and even insane task. What is insane is the phrase I have just crossed out “in its own terms”.
it is bound to be criticised. But dialectically refuting it is what I am presently engaged in doing, what I have not yet done is to face it by taking acid again and use my dialectical weapon to overcome it.

Some concept art reminds me of the bad trips in itself reflexiveness.

My bts are not terrifying in the first stages of the formulation of the riddle. The riddle is fascinating in its ingenuity and simplicity. As we got to an art exhibition so we got to a trip about taking a trip. So should one place a prohibition on such self reflex ion? Can one? It claims to be a riddle in such a way that it cannot be answered. Fair enough, a paradox. It claims that to attempt to understand it is to be torn apart by it, and that to refuse the attempt is the denial of freedom. I would feel free to admire the riddle were it not that my infinite pain, horror etc were one of its terms.

But I must admit that I feel satanically proud of the acid trippers dilemma. And form my own limited perspective it seems that there is something almost common about the great white lightl. I don’t particularly l want to feel in the company of people like Ramakrishna and Timothy Leary. Even extreme terror has its thrilling moments. the dilemma involves (but there are so many angles from which I could write about it). 1 a feeling of blind terror 2 a relapse from that. 3 terror gone, thrilling twinge of excitement 4 a warning twinge of horror 5 check myself 6 that is what I must do, I must keep checking myself, walk the narrow careful and watchful path of no emotion 7 so that is what I have to do till the eight hours are up 8 but that is no answer because there is not answer, the eight hours might never be up. 9 deeper understanding of riddle blind sweating terror.
I feel that if I were to take another acid trip my understanding or what consider to be my understanding, might be blasted to pieces, my philosophical progress severely retarded, by the onset of the dilemma. But then my complacency might be shattered and that might be a good thing. Perhaps I need to be periodically broken up into fragments if I am not to become insufferably smug.

After each bad trip I seem to have less understanding of the dynamics than I had immediately before I took that acid. Part of the badness is that it does not allow an understanding of itself to become part of one’s intellectual repertoire. To understand it is to become involved and to become involved is to become confused.
However there is no reason why I should accept this demoniacal argument.

FF 159 Fear of eternal damnation. If with acid one way lies madness, yet the other way is kabbalistic enlightenment.

331 “…a man will reimpose the supernatural. Since the Supernatural is man’s reason for existing. And man has betrayed the Supernatural.
This also means that in a world surrendered to the sexuality of the woman, the spirit of man is going to regain his rights.”

So thinking not unfavourably of chaos, lsd and insanity. S of course is a real acid enthusiast. It seems to have made her a fanatic and a distasteful character, a trendy bitch a silly cow who has no idea how she appears. I told her all this.

Acid. It cannot be quite as simple as DH says. Those who live in a kind of broken acid chaos can become reborn into different kinds of self confidence.

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