The Past

The Past

I enjoyed the desolate atmosphere of seaside towns in winter and I was delighted with the sea. I walked along the beach for the first time with my grandfather, When we came to L.. I enjoyed the deserted streets, but I said very little and was repelled by the pop music and symbols of active commercialism - a kind of desolation image. We went in a pub and I had one pint and one cigarette. It was coming back along the beach that I had my ecstasy. I was, just for now, more or less indifferent to sex. I had a sore throat and my stomach was unpleasant, I wanted to shit, but none of that mattered. I walked along the beach staring at the shells and pebbles not saying a word to my grandfather, I wondered whether I was in ecstasy or not. I was acutely conscious. The wind was blowing the rain against me. I felt no cold, only the wind, which seemed warm. I felt the same indifference to age, if anything I would have preferred to be old, and I felt maybe I would fail all my exams. All was meaningless but I was one with the stones and the shells and when we got off the beach with the grass and the mud. It lasted till I got indoors then it passed and turned into irritation. There was a clap of thunder. Often feelings of elevation precede thunderstorms. I felt I was both small and great, small as an element of nature, great because all alone and paradoxically certain of my destiny. Often with such ecstasies we have something ahead which we fear, and yet forget, it could be death. It is a sensation something of hopelessness, Therefore autumn is the best season. It is important to attain a state of desirelessness and to cut yourself off from commitments at least mentally, if it can be done. I wanted disorder and a feeling of abandonment to nature.

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